My late grandmother…

Thoughts of my late grandmother have been swarming my mind daily. I miss her so much! For a long time I’ve refused to accept that she’s gone. No one knows this, just me. I’ve kind of imagined that she’s still here, only I haven’t visited in a while. But, now, it seems its time to deal with the loss.

My grandmother (Ma) stayed with us for over 10 years and in that time I had the honour of being graced with her presence every day. She was there through all of my growing times and we formed a wonderful and very open relationship. I relayed to her on many occasions what was happening in my friendships, relationships and just life in general. Of course she would comfort me and always take my side – that’s what grandmothers do. I appreciated her for that, even though I sometimes had my own opinions about certain things. Gosh… her not being here is really difficult to fathom. I loved how whenever we had a function to attend, she would come and seek my approval on the outfit she was wearing and whether she had the right shoes to match. Hehe  and ever so often she’d borrow one of my bags – one in particular – a cream leatherette one with a silver block buckle. Every time she used it, she’d rush back the evening to tell me all the raving reviews she’d gotten about her bag and some who even wanted it. I thought that was so cute. I miss her terribly for the moments when she acted as my impromptu fashion advisor. I really still need her so much. She was great with clothing. We had many wonderful moments, which I deeply treasure, even the moments of her final hours here. About a year and two months before her passing, she moved to stay with one of my aunts. It was hard to accept, but that was her wishes. My dad then told my brother and I that it was now our duty to visit my grandmother as much as we could, at least every single weekend and I tried at best to adhere to that. Not long after she moved, we discovered she had developed lung cancer and it had infiltrated one entire lung already and was now starting on the other.

It was a sad time – to see how she moved from the physique I grew so fond of, the only one I knew - to one of frailty and meekness. As I sit here, I find it very difficult to relive all those moments, it was heartbreaking. Still is. We celebrated my Mom’s 50th birthday recently, and although no one made mention, I’m sure my grandmother was in everyone’s thoughts. She certainly was in mine. Oh how I wished she could have seen me then. I really didn’t want her to go, I wanted her to wait, to see me get married and maybe even to at least see my first child. But, that is not to be. Allah knows best hey. And, His plans are better than any. I think that’s part of Allah’s reason for letting her move out of our home first. Then I didn’t see her every day as per usual, but every weekend. And I grew accustomed to that. So, when it was time for her to leave, her mayit wouldn’t leave from our home, but my aunt’s… and I wouldn’t have to hurt as much with not seeing her every day as I popped by the kitchen, or visited her room first thing when I come from work, or jump out of my warm bed some times because I forgot to greet her, and needed the comfort to know that I did, just in case.

I was lucky enough to spend my grandmother’s last evening with her and for that I’ll always be thankful to Raafiek because he insisted on taking me that evening. I massaged her back, then her feet as I did every Sunday afternoon… but this time was different… it was to be the last time I massage her feet while she was alive. And, funny enough, in that moment, I knew it was the last time, even her feet felt different, more tender than tender. Before I left, I spent some time with her… we chatted a bit, laughed a bit and then I cried a lot. She told me not to cry, that she was okay and very happy. I greeted. She prompted for Raafiek to greet her as well and my dad and her shared some laughing moments and hugs. He kissed her hands. Myself, Raafiek & my dad left. I stole just a little peak before I left the room… she looked back and smiled. I was at peace. My mom stayed to sleep by her bedside.

I dread the call I received the next day… as early as 10:30 in the morning. It was time. Oh Allah, please grant my grandmother peace, and all her heart’s wishes. She was an amazing woman, so much wisdom, fun and vibrancy resonated from within. I miss her so. Even so that I dreamt about her twice this week… a replay of my engagement to Raafiek, only this time she was there… and as she walked up to me, smiling and oh so healthy, she told me she’s so happy for me, that Raafiek was a wonderful person and that she’s so excited. I didn’t fail to ask how she was doing. She smiled and said, “I’ve never been happier”, and stepped inside to greet the rest of the guests.

Right now, that’s the only comfort I need.