The conversation was lots of fun and I enjoyed throwing around ideas with them and contemplating the events of ‘the big day’. Nevertheless, we started chatting about the wedding entourage and then got into talking about the colour of the decorations and the girls dresses.
Anyhoo… as time passed my parents departed and Raafiek and I continued to chat. By now it was 23:00 already… I didn’t realise it was that late. We were going through pictures on my digital camera and reminiscing on memories.
Suddenly, pictures of my late grandmother appeared… usually unaffected by it, this time I felt a bit different. Earlier Raafiek asked me how I felt when I see pictures of her, I just shrugged it off as I was a bit perturbed by my reactions. I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t sobbing my eyes out… I didn’t cry at her janazah… not one single tear… although I did bawl my eyes out with her the night before – her last night on Earth.
Last night must’ve been only the second time I’ve cried since her passing. Raafiek gave me a nice bear hug and I just let it all out. He must've known that's what I needed.
My grammy and I were very close and I treasured her opinion dearly. I missed her last night… so much so that couldn’t fathom my true feelings. I’ve never experienced this before. Just in last week I told Raafiek… I just don’t understand death. How someone can be here for one minute… completely conscious and sane, talking and laughing with you… but literally inside they’re dying. What sense is there in that? I just don’t get it. Perhaps, I’m not meant to.
Now, my grandmother’s brother is about to pass from the same thing. A man so funny, loud and filled with character. But, Allah’s knows best and we should take comfort in that.
"Ma, I really, really miss you terribly! I understand now… I haven’t cried because I don’t want to admit that you no longer here… that I won’t ever see your beautiful face again… or hear your cute laughter… or see your boisterous smile… or the way your eyes light up when you see something really smart. We’ve always chatted about the day I get married… and I always thought you’d be present. I know that even though you won’t be there physically, you’ll be there in spirit! I really wish you were here right now. As, I know… for right now, you’d take away any confusion in my mind… and help me make the decisions with poise… which was so easy under your confident eyes. Right now, I wish you were here to help me make sense of all these colours! I know you would’ve assured me in a jiffy! I miss you so much Ma! Raafiek said something that made me smile through the tears… he said, 'Ma would definitely go with purple and say all the rest my dear is up to you.' hehe… I think he’s so right! I love you and hope wherever you are that you smiling and happy!"
May you rest in peace Ma, Insha-Allah, Ameen!