A little breathing space…

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed, I guess. I’ve always thought of myself as a capable being able to handle anything. But, lately, I’ve been reminded of my own mortality. A mere mortal, frail, fallible, vulnerable.

I must say it really was a harsh awakening. But, I’m getting there. Had a productive chat with Raafiek last night. I just don’t like what I sound like these days. This clearly is not me. I feel like I’ve lost my spunk, my spark! Shaheema, where is she gone to?

Where’s Shaheema? The girl who always fights for what she wants. I’m literally like a swan… calm above the waters (that’s how everyone sees me)… but underwater, I’m paddling like mad!

I spoke my heart out to Raafiek last night… lately, I’m just questioning everything. I don’t feel like i’m in the right place, I’m completely out of sync, completely in the wrong space, maybe even the wrong job.

Why do I lack the courage to follow my heart? But, that’s where it gets complicated. Following your heart doesn’t always amount to the right choice or the ability to get on with your present life with the same standard. I guess that’s where sacrifice comes in hey!

My studies are driving me completely insane… I mean really! I’ve never felt like giving up on something… especially once I’ve started it already! And, I must say, the thought of dropping this crosses my mind almost 10 times a day… and I keep fighting it. Raafiek – always my voice of reason reminding me why and Shahieda always prompting me that I can do it.

I’m having doubts about actually posting this post. I don’t think anyone’s ever seen this side of me. Shaheema’s always cheerful, positive and on the move. Right now, I’m sad, drained and not happening! Things are just really difficult right now… but I’m moving ahead… slowly… but I’ll get there Insha-Allah, and in the end, all this hardship will be something to smile back on.

As they say: “NOTHING WORTHWHILE COMES EASY!”

Ruwayda & Faheem's Layla

Little Layla Abrahams was born on 22 April 2009 at 3:50pm weighing 3.2kg. I was meant to update my blog many, many months ago, but here goes.

For some reason i can't seem to upload the scans of her... but will keep on trying.

Ruwayda at the Baby Shower

Me and the Beautiful pregnant Mommy

Mommy & Layla - 1 day old

The happy family with Layla – 1 day old

Layla with her Mommy and new Aunty

Layla Name-Giving – 27 April 2009 (5 days old)

The Beautiful Parents

Isn’t she too cute!

Where is my head...

Gosh, I feel like I’m all over the place. If it isn’t work, its my studies or running around for wedding goodies. This is all very exciting… I must admit. But, in the same breath, I need to confess… I miss the days of lazing endlessly, not having anything to do at night but chill, or to just relax, let my hair down, have fun and just do plain and simple nothing.

Feels like years ago since I’ve enjoyed that life. The freedom, the joy, the mesmerisation! My life’s moved on so much from that point… to another summit of just trying to get by each day. When did life fill up so much! There just isn’t enough time to do everything and I find myself having to let things go. As my colleague said this morning, something’s gotta give. Although, I’m not used to that. I always try to make things work. I always give my best. I never give up. But, sometimes I guess we have to.

Sometimes I think if we have to let go of things, it makes space for the new. Except, letting go of things is very hard for me, greatly uncomfortable and leaves me feel uneasy for quite a long time. But, I must confess… I’m getting used to letting go… and instead of feeling amiss, I feel the opportunity and the new chances it brings along.

About two weeks back, I lost all my emails. I mean personal emails that I’ve captured and saved for 5 years! Things I’d love to look back on, things I’d love to review to assess my thinking at the time – just generally to look back on. And, I think I’ve gotten so used to being able to look back, that I never really look ahead. So, with the dramatic experience of losing all my mails from friends, family, colleagues, my motivational one’s, my teary one’s, the heart-wrenching ones and all my plea’s for help, guidance, etc., I’ve opened a new door to acceptance. Acceptance that it is just so and so I shall deal with it. It is kind of refreshing actually, to not have those mails to look back on, because they in the past, where they’re meant to be… and the future is uncluttered with more opportunity and space to thrive in new memories and love!

I guess there’s wisdom in everything and a reason why things happen. If my profile never became corrupt and I didn’t lose those emails, I’d forever have them to look back on without ever fully comprehending my present and being able to look ahead to the future! Allah knows best!

Anyhoo, I dunno wot I’m on about today. Just feeling really guilty that I haven’t updated my blog, so please accept my little offering into the fanatical mind of Shaheema!

Confirming our marriage plans with the Imaam

So, the date has been set for 11 October 2009. On calling Sheikh Abduragmaan Alexander to confirm that he would perform the nikaah for us, he requested a meeting with my parents and Raafiek’s parents.

Oi! I must say I was quite nervous. But, looked forward to it as well. The evening dawned beautiful, and instead of butterflies floating around Earth, I was convinced all resided in my tummy!

We entered Masjidul Quds… the masjied Raafiek and I have chosen for our Nikaah to take place. The masjied is huge and so beautiful. It is also the official host of all the all-night programmes on Laylatul Qadr.

We arrived at 19:00 just in time for our meeting… my parents were waiting for myself, Raafiek and his Mom. We sat down and started to chat. Funny how we wanted Sheikh Abduragmaan Alexander, Imaam of the Bridgetown Masjied to perform our ceremony at Masjidul Quds in Gatesville… he informed us that he had since moved to Masjidul Quds and was now the Principal and Imaam of that masjied for just a week at the time. Ah, destiny, you gotta love it.

The meeting went off well.. he took our details and ID numbers to complete onto the Marriage Certificate which will only be signed on the wedding day. He then asked me a question: “Shaheema, are you sure you want to get married?” I felt the tears well up in my eyes, “Yes, I’m sure,” I answered. He had to ask this in front of everyone to ensure that i was accepting Raafiek's proposal out of my own free will.

With everything set for the date, the Imaam and Masjied confirmed… we were on our way. The athaan for Eshaa just started so we decided to stay for salaah. After performing the sunnah for Eshaa and the two raka-aats to greet the masjied, we waited to perform salaah in Jamaah. I couldn’t resist taking a picture.


I left feeling fulfilled and blessed. May Allah forever guide me, my family and my new family to be, Insha-Allah, Ameen!

I can feel Allah…

Today I thought of Allah! But, more than thinking I could feel His presence. A presence embalming me with serenity and tranquility.

I never thought 2009 could be any more challenging than what I envisioned before me… what with having to start my MBA, finally; marriage preparations and getting Smooches off the ground. But, nevertheless, I know it depends on how I view it. And, believe me, there is opportunity, if only I was brave enough to see it that way.

In and among all the madness, anxiety and sheer adrenalin that’s engulfed me lately… I feel a kind of stillness within. A kind of harmony unknown and long searched for. And, I know that can only be the existence of Allah. Why else would I be so content knowing that whatever my situation, I will succeed? Even though testing, I will try my utmost.

I chatted to Shahieda today, and my conversation with her just brought to the fore all I was trying to understand. How did I get to this place? When did I give up the control?

And, I realised, considering where I am I knew I couldn’t do this without the help of my Creator. At which point I relinquished myself completely to His Mercy knowing wholeheartedly that whatever was to cross my path, was at His Will and whatever was to be omitted, was at His will too and just not meant to be. And, in all that I will never understand, I’m only left to accept that it is so.

And, algamdulilah… with that I’ve learnt the true way to a blissful life. I’ve never been more at ease. Complete surrender. Utter brilliance. I love this feeling. Relinquish Yourself Completely. (I’m going to trademark the last three words!)

Bursting at the seams…

Wow! Right now I’m ecstatic, elated, over-the-moon, blissfully happy!!! I’ve just been accepted to study my MBA! Wow!

I’ve been wanting to do this for ages!! Since like 2005! And, today, just a few minutes ago, I was accepted onto the course! Man if words could ever exemplify how I feel right now.

Funny how it happened… I always wanted to do it… but put it out of my mind because at the time I just couldn’t afford it. Every year I would log on to the universities and colleges to check, but still I couldn’t.

A month after Raafiek & I officially started dating, we made a set of goals for ourselves which we would like to achieve. One of it was: To obtain my MBA degree before the age of 29. Well, I don’t think I’ll make it for 29, but I’ll be pretty close if all goes well. And, if it doesn’t, then atleast I know I tried!

Early in December 2008, I was working at home while listening to 567 CapeTalk… Redi Direko was having a chat with the President of Wits University talking about MBA and its benefits… Right there I sat reminded of the dream I have to do this. I jotted it down as the first thing to do the next day when I get to work: 4 December 2008: Check for MBA course.

The very next day when I got to work a Turkish colleague of mine was sitting in the desk next to me… in the desk which is usually empty and only filled every two weeks for a week at a time when our editor pops into the office. I can’t quite remember how the conversation started… I think Ayla (colleague’s name) said she would like to go and study and I said I wanted to study for my MBA, she said she wanted to do the MBA as well… we got chatting about it all day… excited, did research, made contacts with institutions, she got info from a friend… and before we knew it… we were engrossed in all the info and excited beyond belief!

So, at about 16:00 that afternoon, I finally opened my diary… only to find the listing I made the day before: Check for MBA course. I looked at Ayla and asked her if we chatted about it the day before obviously forgetting where I was. She said: “No babe, today’s the first time we speaking about it. You weren’t even here yesterday, you worked from home.” I sat baffled and managed an: “Oh, okay.” Clearly Allah had a hand in this…

So, we made plans… we were going to get our applications ready, get all the certifications from the police station, take the ID pics… get witnesses to sign, etc, and we were going to send off our applications in the week of 12 January. So, yesterday, with everything ready… we couriered our applications over-night (14 January)… at a ghastly fee, but nevertheless. And today, 15 January, we received a call to say we were accepted!! wHoopeee!!

So, ya, a tough year ahead… but I have to do this… and Algamdulilah… everyone’s supporting me, my parents as well as Raafiek. Shukran! So, Insha-Allah, whatever happens will happen.

Lots to do, lotsa thoughts and so little time

My goodness! Just realised! It’s been a whole month since last I blogged. Quite pathetic. But, I certainly cannot be blamed. The Universe is testing my patience, my strength, my perseverance, my motivation and certainly my dreams. But, I’ll keep on trying… I have to.

So much has been going on lately… Raafiek and I are still on a hunt for a suitable venue, my parents were away for almost two weeks which is always quite stressful for me as I’m left to attend to household amenities… which we all know is not quite my thing… or rather not something I can do. I’m not very domesticated. LOL!

But, guess what… on their trip away… I along with the help of my sweet cousins and dear Raafiek managed to plan a surprise party for my brother’s 24th birthday… and, and, and… I managed to cook at least once :) (hey, i'm chuffed ok). I made chicken and mushroom pasta… which I might add, was certainly not what I envisioned when I started cooking… but nevertheless, tasted divine.

Also, I did the washing! Something I found quite therapeutic, to say the least. Something I’ll certainly do again. My colleague, Steve, joked that I enjoyed it that much because it's not something I do very often… and that one day when I’m forced, my enjoyment will fade. Good point there. But, was fun for now.

And, also, much to my surprise and detriment… I managed to finish four dresses in one week! What a crazy week it was. Late nights and early mornings… shoo! Glad it’s over. One morning I was found dragging myself to bed at 03:45am… that can’t be good! But, the dresses where beauty to the eye… aaah! There’s my enjoyment.

Also, among all this insanity, my cousins (once again) :) came through for me at a fashion show we had last week… turned out quite nice! Thanks ladies… Gakiema and Shahieda – my greatest appreciation! And, to Madiga… for allowing me the opportunity! Shukran babe!

Aaah… what still… oh and work as well… been hectic. Finished off a publication too… busy finalising the 2nd last one… by Monday.. and then the final to go to print by 12 December… I’m bushed just thinking about it!

So, in one week… I cooked, did the washing, made four dresses, worked late to finish a publication, had a fashion show and still survived to tell the tale. That’s heavy! Not again… no thank you! (I’ll update individually with pics when time allows).

And, today as I walked down the steps at work I realised something… tomorrow will be exactly one year since my gran’s passing. Oh how I miss her! And, tonight… will be exactly one year since the last time I spoke to her in person. My heart’s a bit sad right now. I recall how I cried that night holding her hand sitting by her bedside… she told me not to cry and that she was just fine. I felt something different that night… Allah was ready to take her and I knew it. May she forever rest in peace and be close to Allah's Divine Mercy Always, Insha-Allah, Ameen! Love you Ma!

And, once again… my very sincerest thanks to Raafiek… who on that very fateful night took me to see my granny, just one last time! I love you!